I live with my mom cause my Daddy died - give me a million quid!!

I remember seeing Alex James on a Channel 4 programme telling a bunch of teenagers "is this really what you want? When you walk through this door, your whole life will change and it will ruin you. Destroy you and you won't be able to turn back or turning back will be the hardest thing to do".

Which made me wonder about the "I'm doing this for my mum or my dad" speeches you get on these shows.

So..

Should we all become Million Pound Contract musicians in order to dissolve the pains of life or losing a loved one. Now let me measure that economically. 60,000,000 people in the UK, all require a million pounds each to be happy and relieve themselves of "life's problems".. that is 1,000,000 multiplied by 60,000,000...

60,000,000,000,000

According to some of the contestants on the X Factor, the answer to life's problems is not working hard, pushing driving, but selling your soul to have a million pounds so then you can have what?

Aren't single mothers in this country happy? Aren't people who have lost loved ones happy?

Don't single mothers who survive on almost nothing, happy and don't they keep their kids happy? Or is 1 million quid on the X Factor what they need? Aren't people who have lost a parent happy?

Or does it take 60 trillion pounds to solve this and then what? If everyone had that... well, nobody would be happy because economies don't work like that. If we had this situation, we'd all be the same so having things wouldn't be "special" which is what this is about right, being special?

Well being special is not mocking people every week in videos or even answering back to the person who will give you a million pounds. Being special is respect, modesty, humility - things like that. Virtue.

That is what being special is.

Not a Million pounds but then again... Such vicious attributes are made for people who want to sell their soul so they can live in a bigger house.

We have now heard of Christian values on the show and although I stand by the words of Arthur C Clarke that Religion should be a private thing for the individual, it does bring about contestants like Rhydian and Same Difference who, as we have heard numerous times, put in the most work and dedication into the show.

This is the X Factor. On the one side we have, sell your soul to get a million pounds on the other side we have the love of performing and great personalities and respectable character.

For a laugh, I'dlike to give it to those with no morals so their lives can truly go down the gutter - but let's let virtue reign for once...

Leon says "I hate alert and ban"

Leon came out of his cauldron and told the world "if you alert and ban, you are not my fan but evil ugly looking freaks from a toilet that has never been cleaned".

Leon was very upset his fans behaved in such a dispicable manner because they had the debating skills of a redneck with an iq of one who has been brainwashed to alert and ban by a pack of hyenas - for a laugh.

"If they cannae argue they cannae be my fans. They're evil. I have nightmares because they say they are my fans but are more like evil monsters that live in toilets because civilised life is too tough for them".

He was particularly referring to the 24 occupants of their primitive tribal lair where somebody remained to give the impression that Leon is popular.

"I know Rhydian will win because I am not as good a singer as him. I look a complete buffoon singing with Michael Buble. I just shouted and talked through the song".

More later.

Stuff...

I'm just standing in today and going over the performances of tonight's show, so I think I will kick off things with a personal grudge and that is researchers in the media. It appears to me that, there is a complete laziness and p45s should be handed out quick step as the Media's database, awful and pretty much 1980s in design that it is, should be banned and get some people in who love the media and will support people in press offices and at the times.

Take Jonathan Ross for instance who is paid loads of money. He was trying to be funny! He called Rhydian a weirdo but isn't that old news? Let me take you to the producers meeting before the Jonathan Ross show as he comes rushing in from watching another Japanese movie. "So what we got on Whydian? Whydian is what?". Cue Researcher with database of material they have gathered... Types in Rhydian and she gets:

Weirdo, Oddball, Strange, good singer

"Wight, I can work with that. Whydian is a Wiewwdo, Woddball, Stwange but he can sing".

It did not work.

Now tracking back to numerous gossip columnists on the internet who get orgasmic frenzies from hits to their page... let's call Rhydian a "oddball" and he can't win. He shouldn't be on the X Factor and he will fail on the first show. Haven't I heard that somewhere before? Everything - up until he performed and everybody was gobsmacked - bar those who were fresh out of media studies at University of Central English Channel and use their researcher database to the max.

I'm going to cut the chase now and just highlight what the massive problem is with this. Rhydian is entertaining, Rhydian is a great singer and when the public know, the public know. The press tried to put him down, all at the fault of bad researchers who used the editing, contacted the producers, who told them they are selling Rhydian as the pantomime villain and they thought their job was easy. It takes somebody who is good at their job, check irony here, good at their job being Rhydian, to actually stand up and say "this guy is a great singer and the public will love him". But due to the automation of the media industry which is exactly the pre-cursor to so many people entering the profession, most of them do not know how to do their job.

Rhydian has proved that

So, Taxi!

On to tonight's performances =oD


I'll write this as they appear -

Rhydian - first - the show started early... hmm...


They have given Rhydian the Matrix effect today with a load of people from the otherside of what we cannot see. Rhydian has seen the light and is now fighting the good fight against computer by standing on a piano. With the help of a load of chicks who are fighting, probably kung fu style, nope it's over - no kung fu fighting and no Louis Walsh cloning himself to take on Rhydian's. I was hoping Rhydian would use the mic to his favour and thankfully Simon Cowell is not asking the Matrix girls to start a group called Matrix and telling the woo woo girls to go home. Sharon of the planet Osbournak appears to like that although she can't hear anything after letting "I sing like a bloke and create post modern happy slap videos on YouTube" Emily through because of her Near Death experience.

Dannii didn't cry today... why?

Simon Cowell loved it and after communicating across the ether with Freddie during a dramatic pause by sniffing to his right - he was told he would like it.

Louis Walsh may have dashed off to multiply copy pasting himself in the matrix to take on Rhydian's Matrix girls.

Niki and Hope were up next so just as I was about to cover my ears... nope they were damaged as all the singers were in different keys to each other. Oh dear....

Niki on the other hand reminded me of older women seducing younger men - but in a good way if you know what I mean? Do you? No...

Leon - oh no. Oh dear. Here we go again. So many wrong keys you will never get back in your home. It's back to living in the caravan kids because Leon can't find the right key and it's been like a long long time since the first week... and Leon is locked out. There's a growl there too which must be a testosterone fuelled post pubescent growl - somebody get the man a woman, any woman!!

"Gepetto, Gepetto - will I ever be a real life boy? Will I Gepetto..."

"No no, ees no possiblay Leon. You ees a puppet!"

Same Difference stick to what they do best. That's being the one half of the only 2 contestants who deserve to be in this because they can sing and perform and be that in tune too...

That was X Factor Part 1, X Factor Part 2, the revenge of Louis Walsh and his Westlife clones next.

Well the westlife clones were sent in and Hope told me they will rock me and they did until Raquelle came forward and told me "yeah, I'm going to rock you baby" where I had an existentialist moment and realised, in terms of existing, I don't think you can rock me because I did die when she sang that moment and I was angry upon returning. This girl winds it up so much like she's Angelina Jolie Mach 2 but she's really just some girl who prances around at school performances and pushes people out of the way.

Leon - horrendous. Worst performance ever. Simon said first two thirds bad, last third good. He probably fell asleep for the last third so just said it was great for credibility and get some love from the audience.

Same Difference, were fab as usual but Louis got the eebie jeebies as he felt them eating into his West Life Girls aloud market and changing the pop market from selling sex "a little less cloats girls aloud, a little less cloats"...

Well... gimmick free Niki next, as Louis calls her so now we can hear about her first gimmick, her dead dad and the other two vote grabbing gimmicks, her boobies. I can hear it all over the country now, Dads saying " I can warm to this women".

Rhydian for the final fight sequence of "X Factor Part 2, the revenge of Louis Walsh and his Westlife clones".

Well what can you say. At this point Rhydian got whick whick whack, went old school back to Detroit and mixed up big time, blazed it up and became DJ Rhydian, Superstar DJ. He mixed World in Union and I vow to thee my country. He had his own entourage, who I assume will follow him where he will dj and wow clubbers around the world. Dannii, Ibiza resident thought she was at Space and almost got on to the table and started raving but no... she kept her cool after Simon told her to have some respect - it's a hymn!

And what a HYMN!

Nailed it - Rhydian is a legend! He appeals to everyone. Rhydian is in fact as stated after the show, the kind of DJ, who has come from all kinds of backgrounds. Irish, Welsh, English, etc etc.

Rhydian. - Opera Singer, Rock Singer, Soul Singer, Dancer, Performer, Lover, Hunter, Warrior - Superstar DJ :D

Leon employs staff to bump threads

Our researchers have gained new information about the activities relating to Leon propoganda. An early "favourite" due to being short, vulnerable therefore easy to push around by women, Leon was seen as a possible winner. His fans didn't see the onslaught of avalanche support for Rhydian coming therefore, Leon has employed three people to help bump his thread.

They work on a 20 hour shift and generally talk to themselves to keep a thread bumped, in the desperate hope people will see Leon as popular. Unfortunately, due to the lack of funds available, the Leon fans have to go on "operation name calling" on an average of every 5 minutes, because everybody hates Leon. This leaves the Leon thread languishing behind because the 3 people who post there are busy calling people names.


We talked to one individual who is in hiding after he was assaulted by Leon fans. "I couldn't believe it. I thought I was stating the obvious. I have been in the music busienss all my life and I was pointing out, quite clearly, he cannot sing... which he can't. I was then told he can, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I don't know what I am talking about. They did say one thing nice about me. They called me a Rhydian fan. That's a compliment because that guy can sing."

A mathematician who has been on the case of the Leon thread for a while told us, "if the three main posters weren't on the thread 20 hours of the day... it would die over night. I doubt there would be 100 posts on that thread if it wasn't for three people."

Leon to attempt SINGING and DANCING this week

BREAKING NEWS

Word has just reached us that Leon will attempt to SING and DANCE, AT THE SAME TIME this week.

Phones were buzzing madly at Inside X Factor Towers today as we tried to contact anybody and somebody who could give us more information on this. We first got through to Simon Cowell whilst shopping for lady shavers. "Yes, we have given Leon his favoured binge drinking fumbling act for a few weeks and just let him shout on stage. So you know, we might as well see if he has the X Factor and get him to sing" he said whilst measuring a Cucumber.

Leon Fans on the other hand were confused. We contacted one who is an expert in the alert and ban routine. "My beloved Leon. Oh my beloved Leon. One day he will save me from the drudgery of 24 hour DS forum Leon thread bumping. He sings like a thousand angels in chorus and his dancing is far greater than Fred Astaire. IT IS! SAY IT IS! OR ME AND MY MINIONS WILL ALERT AND BAN YOU INTO OLD AGE!".

An X Factor fan and also expert and X Factor advisor to the government told us... "I don't know what happened during the selection process. It beats me but if this guy can sing, I'm George Bush and a 100m sprinting, Long Jumping, Cyborg George Bush from the future who has mated with many women. I am not George Bush. I cannot run fast or jump long distances. I am not even a cyborg and my sex life is non-existent. Now. Do you see what I'm saying here?".

More later.

Leon's Twin Brother found

Leon, from a hole in Scotland somewhere, has finally been contacted by his identical twin.



Leon was heard to shout in what he calls his singing voice. "Yu, Yu, Yu, eeeeh. OOOH, My Brother.... He AINT HEAVY, He's My BROTHER!!" to some bemused reporters.

Known as Stig, of the dump, we were told in a manner not unlike Leon's singing, "ug, ug ooh, ug ugg UGGER uGG".

Here is Leon, looking all stig like:

Leon Clan planning to increase power of brainwash machine

Our undercover reporters Nigel Gblundgu and Joseph ibdglgwngo have been feeding back and forth to X Factor Insider headquarters regarding the Brainwash machine created by Leon's family. Posing as Norwegian backpacking students who accidentally took one too many country roads, they were enlisted into the group highlighting their devotion to Leon by saying simply "Leon can sing".

They outline the group as cult like. They wear Leon T-Shirts which have a large Leon head on the front and a large Leon head on the back. The brainwashing machine is powered by English tax payers money and is fired up just as Leon attempts to sing. He gives the signal with a jingle jangle of his jelly legs and wahey.

MI5 are on the case but due to the remoteness of Leon's village and therefore the inability of taking armed forces to shut down the brainwash machine, MI5 are hoping that people aren't too stupid enough to believe that somebody who can't hold a note even if it was post it should suffice from global domination.

Leon fans have been adamantly supporting Leon as a Heavenly elixir of sound that is the most beautiful angel from above. Normal people have been hoping he gets fired out of a cannon and placed in an area where could torture Terrorists into giving secret hideouts.

More later.

Sharon Osbourne "I'm tone deaf"

Manager of crazy shouty bands, Sharon Osbourne, also mother of fat kids and Charity Case Predator has admitted, she is tone deaf giving Simon more to worry about than the RSPCA knocking on his door after the recent Hope performance.

Sharon told our reporter Abdul "Yeah, what? WHAT? I can't hear you!!"... at this point we reverted to writing on a big white board since Sharon's eyesight was complete pants too.

"Yeah? me? Too much Ozzy love... Too much plastic seepage down through me sinuses into the ear canal. Can't be good..."

Sharon then led us to her chamber of hearing which we have photographed below (picture to arrive later after Abdul received it from the developers.



First we piped in Alisha. "Oh my GAWD!!! I relied upon Nicole for this! She sounds like Ozzy after a Vindaloo!!" Second was Emily... Lady Shiverz alright, that's scary. She sounds like a drill". We then showed her video footage of the stage shaking at Richter level 13.323 when Kimberley was on the stage - Sharon fainted, we contacter her plastic surgeon. He gave her botox, tummy tuck and a new nose and all was fine.

We then got to stroke the dogs.

More tomorrow!